Email from Queen

Courtesy: Ashraf, my school classmate

Note: This is real humour, not “humor” !

Email from the Queen – an important announcement regarding the USA To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent
years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and
‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you
will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up ‘vocabulary’).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and
‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such
thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-
checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the
elimination of ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready
to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to
shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the
left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of
roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews
of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also
acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and
it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see
what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,
so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood
will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie
Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience
akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football;
one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called
the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of
you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You
will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) or
India (World Champions) first to take the sting out of their deliveries and batting .

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be
with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)
when in season. God Save the Queen!

PS: To be read only by those who have a sense of humour (NOT humor)!

PPS : She is drafting a similar letter to India , seeing as we have made a “Royal” mess after Independence !

Courtesy: Ashraf, my school classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
1st April 2012
Mumbai

Absolutely Brilliant

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Absolutely Brilliant

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”.. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”.. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
4th March 2012
Mumbai

End of the World

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

God summons President Barrack Obama, Chinese Leader Hu Jintao and French President Nicolas Sarkozy to a meeting………………And tells them that he has decided to end the world in 3 days & orders them to tell their people.

President Obama has a television speech to America and says, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is that he will destroy the world in 3 days.”

Leader Hu has a television speech to the Chinese people. He tells them,
“I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God. The worse news is that the world is going to end in 3 days and you’re all going to hell.”

President Sarkozy goes on television and tells the French people, “I have good news and better news. The good news is that there is a God and he spoke to me! The better news is that the European economic crisis will be over in 3 days.”

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
19th February 2012
Mumbai

This Year’s Darwin Awards

Courtesy: Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

Year’s Darwins are out!
Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up inLong Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company,expecting negligence,sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15 , which begs the question: If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake.. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Courtesy: Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
17th December 2011
Mumbai

Funonomics

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the
building standing. It’s called the stock market – Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now
being called Wal Mart Street – Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The
pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las
Vegas and an investment banker ? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left
side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show,
if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam.
Don’t fall for it – Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his
favourite candy bar – Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Obama’s copy is even
thicker. They had to include pictures – Jay Leno

9. President Obama’s response was to support some small business
owners in America. The small business owners are General Motors,
General Electric and Century 21. – Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my
cheques is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’. I won’t know
whether that refers to mine or the bank’s.

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
10th December 2011
Mumbai

Old Dog

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says…”Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Moral of this story…

Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! B.S. and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
22nd October 2011
Mumbai

Engineering Cases

Courtesy: Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER #1

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER #2

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello, George. What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER #3

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER #4

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER #5

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER #6

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Courtesy: Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
8th October 2011
Mumbai

International Clown Fest

I attended theatre after a very long time (many years) yesterday at the St Andrews College Auditorium in Bandra. My wife persuaded me to accompany her for the International Clown Fest.

I was not too keen, as my favourite pastime for a Saturday evening comprises of gymming, followed by a laid-back drink, and blogging. I had to give up my gymming and blogging, forget the drink. And, I did try to escape, but did not succeed.

So there we went to meet the international clowns.

It was a bit surprising to see the compound of St Andrews College – it was spacious and well laid out. It is not far from the St Andrews Church and is just next to the School. It had a lot of parking space, which is unusual in Mumbai, and there was no parking charge ! Wow !!

The auditorium itself was quite impressive, though it was not very modern. It could easily seat nearly 1,000 people. I asked my son to compute the total number of seats in 60 seconds and also the revenues of the show if atleast 90% of the seats are taken up on an average. What about the total revenues for the 8 sessions they were running over 4 days ? And, what would be the share of the clowns if only 50% of the receipts is shared with them ? My wife and son got quite irritated with this line of thinking and questioning, obviously, as they had come to see the antics of some clowns, not get into some arithmetic computations.

The Clown Fest lasted almost 2 hours with a break of about 15 minutes in between. The team of clowns from the U.S., Canada, India and Malaysia did pretty all right, but I did not feel that the show was that great to demand the price they were charging.

In any case it was fun to spend some time away from home. I was amazed at how quickly the entire auditorium filled up to the brim, though when we came in, there was hardly some 10% of audience waiting to get in some 30 minutes before the show started.

Take a look at: “clown fest India” . It was interesting to see the cast and how they engaged with the audience. But there should have been more fun from the clowns.

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
02 October 2011
Mumbai

Important Announcement from the U.K. regarding the U.S.A.

Courtesy: Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

————————

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

——————-

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

—————–

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

———————-

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

———————-

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

——————–

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

——————-

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

——————-

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

———————

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

———————

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

———————

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

——————–

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

—————–

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

—————

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Courtesy: Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers.

Vijay Srinivasan
17th Sept 2011
Mumbai

ID Proof for President

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Disclaimer: Sorry folks, I have to disclose here that my sympathies lie with the GOP, viz., the Republican Party of the U.S. Some of you may not like this fact, but so be it.

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check.

As he approaches the cashier he says “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me”?

Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID”?

Obama: “To tell you truth, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to; I am President Barack Obama, the president of the United States of America!!!!”

Cashier: “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the current regulations and monitoring of Banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing your ID.”

Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the Bank who I am, and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

Cashier: “I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

Obama: “I am urging you, please, to cash this check”

Cashier: “Look Mr.. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without his ID. To prove he was indeed Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereby the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, the President of the United States?”

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: “Honestly, my mind is a total blank~~~there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing!”

Cashier: “That is good enough for a proof. Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Vijay Srinivasan
3rd Sep 2011
Mumbai