Absolutely Brilliant

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Absolutely Brilliant

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”.. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”.. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
4th March 2012
Mumbai

Just Look Up !

Courtesy: Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

THE BUZZARD:

If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is That a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with a Run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, It will not even
attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

THE BAT:

The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkable nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

THE BUMBLEBEE:

A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near the bottom.. It
will seek a way where none exists, until it completely destroys itself..

PEOPLE:

In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. We struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, never realizing that all we have to do is look up! That’s the answer, the escape route and the solution to any
problem! Just look up.

Sorrow looks back, Worry looks around, But faith looks up!

Courtesy: Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

Have Confidence in Yourself and believe in the Solution !!

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
5th February 2012
Mumbai

How to murder oneself

Courtesy: Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

Truth is stranger than fiction ……..
For those who have served on a jury…this one is something to think about……Just when you think you have heard everything!

Do you like to read a good murder mystery?

Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS) President, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:

On March 23,1994 … the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject ‘A’ but kills subject ‘B’ in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject ‘B.’

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded.

The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady, had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn’t actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist …

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

A true story from Associated Press.

Courtesy: Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
17th July 2011
Mumbai

Half-Baked MBA Schools

India is full of suspect business schools, which have sprouted like mushrooms all over the country.

I am not going to name any such school in this post, that is not the real point.

I will be careful in considering anyone coming from such schools with tall claims. I was shocked to read full-page advertisements and heavy television advertising promoting a business school, with an explicit claim that they are far better than the IIMs (Indian Institutes of Management) ! I thought comparative advertising without proof and basis are subject to advertising regulations – is the concerned advertising body watching and taking action to safeguard advertising ethics ?

Notwithstanding any “tall” claims to the contrary, it is absolutely clear where management education stands in the country. I am not referring to “research” which has become a subject of contention between a government minister and the top engineering and management institutes. Yes, research in academic institutions of repute in India is far below global standards, and that is why none of the top schools are in the top 20 institutions, even in Asia Pacific region.

However, it is not appropriate to contest the quality of management education at the top schools in India. The top schools, of course, include only the IIMs, the XLRI, and a few other well-established, long standing schools of academic (and not advertising-driven) reputation. None of the hundreds of other schools qualify to be even in the top 100 management schools in the country. In fact, they bring down the quality of the education.

The bigger challenge is the acceptance of such schools by private corporates due to non-availability of management graduates from the top schools (who have all flown away with multiple offers). They have to be more careful in assessing the credibility of such schools and the quality of their education. It may be better to go with graduates with non-business degrees from reputed schools and train them on management in-house.

I saw notification issued by AICTE (All India Council of Technical Education) which regulates management education as well specifying the names of schools which are not accredited by them. After that notification, I have only seen the decibel of advertisements by second-tier and third-tier schools going up. It would be better for potential students to check out the credentials and the approvals of schools before investing their parents’ hard-earned money.

Fake and half-baked MBAs taught at such schools by professors with suspect and / or no academic credentials will do no good for their future.

Cheers

Vijay Srinivasan
16th July 2011
Mumbai

Is the Life You are living worth the Price You are paying for it ?

I was impressed and impacted by this article. I do not know the author, but this came in a mail to me, which I am acknowledging here. Please read this carefully and also see the related articles, nothing is more important than understanding the reasonable demand that one’s body and mind are placing on ourselves.

Courtesy: My IIM-B Classmate, Prahlad

What toll does it take, over time, if you get too little sleep; skip breakfast or settle for something unhealthy; struggle with a relentlessly challenging commute; attend meeting after meeting with no breaks in between; pump yourself up through the day with multiple cups of coffee or sugary snacks; deal with hundreds of emails that accumulate in your inbox; remain at your desk for lunch if you eat lunch at all; push through fatigue in the afternoon; head home at night feeling exhausted, but continue to check email through the evening; work on the weekends; and limit your vacations to no more than a week or two, if you vacation at all?

Consider the story of the “Boiling Frog”. It may or may not be true, but the point it makes certainly is. Toss a frog into a pot of boiling water and it instinctively jumps out, self-protectively. Next, place the frog into a pot of cool water. Not surprisingly, it swims around, happily. Now heat the water up very gradually and what does the frog do? It acclimates to untenable circumstances — and slowly cooks. The frog doesn’t notice what’s happening to him, until it’s too late.

We’re experiencing the same phenomenon. Facing ever more demand, complexity and uncertainty, our initial response is to push ourselves harder and more relentlessly, without taking account of the costs we’re incurring.

Physiologically, we move into hyperarousal — flooding our bodies with stress hormones such as adrenalin and cortisol. It’s an automatic response to the experience of threat, and it provides an instant source of energy.

“Allostatic load” is a term coined by the neuroscientist Bruce McEwen that refers to the physiological consequences — most especially on the brain — of chronic exposure to relentless demand. When fight-or-flight hormones circulate in our body for too long, keeping our arousal high, they become toxic — not just physically, but also emotionally and mentally.

The most immediate problem with the fight-or-flight state is that our pre-frontal cortex begins to shut down. We become reactive rather than reflective. We lose precisely what we need most in these complex times: the capacity to think analytically and imaginatively; to embrace nuance and paradox rather than choosing up sides; and to take a long-term perspective rather than making the most expedient choice.

It’s not good for us, and it’s not good for companies.

The antidote, well understood by trauma researchers, is to give people practical and specific ways to lower their physiological arousal — to get out of fight or flight. If you’re hyperaroused — and vast numbers of us are, much of the time — you must learn first how to regularly relax your body. Only then is it possible to calm your emotions, quiet your mind and make wiser choices.

In the trauma community, it’s called self-soothing. In the workplace, it’s about using simple strategies to buffer relentless demand by taking more conscious and regular care of our most basic needs.

Our most fundamental physical needs, beyond food, are to move and to rest. “Sleep is the foundation of physical energy” . All but a tiny percentage of us require at least 7-8 hours a night to feel fully rested and even small amounts of sleep deprivation take a significant cognitive toll.

We also operate best when we take renewal breaks at least every 90 minutes during the day. Breathing deeply for as little as a minute, for example, can completely clear the body of cortisol.

Movement is a second, more active way to change channels and to build physical capacity. The best way to move is to regularly challenge our current comfort zone — to push our heart rate into the aerobic and anaerobic zones at least four times a week, for at least 20 minutes at a time, and to train with weights at least twice a week.

Even if you don’t do that, it’s immensely valuable to get up and move at least several times during the day — and even better, to get outside. Above all, our goal should be to increase our oscillation over the course of the day — moving between relaxation at one end, and more active forms of energy expenditure at the other.

At the emotional level, our core need is to feel safe, secure and valued. The most reliable way to ensure that happens is to move flexibly between valuing, appreciating and taking care of others — which builds trust and appreciation — and taking care of ourselves. One without the other is insufficient. We need to regularly refuel ourselves with positive emotions just as much as we need to renew ourselves physically.

The more attentive we are to meeting these core needs, the less likely we are to feel overwhelmed and exhausted, and the more sustainably high-performing we’re capable of becoming.

Courtesy: My IIM-B Classmate, Prahlad

I am sure this article impacted you as well.

Take care,

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
9th July 2011
Mumbai

Management Potential Quiz

Courtesy : Srinivas, my IIM-B Classmate

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a “manager.” The questions are not that difficult.

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four-year old.

Courtesy : Srinivas, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers

Vijay Srinivasan
28th May 2011
Mumbai

Baby Giraffes and Management Lesson

Courtesy : Chaitanya, my classmate from IIM-B

BABY giraffes never go to a business school. But they learn a very important management lesson much early in life.

A lesson that all of us would do well to remember.

The birth of a baby giraffe is quite an earth-shaking event. The baby falls from its mother’s womb, some eight feet above the ground. It shrivels up and lies still, too weak to move.

The mother giraffe lovingly lowers her neck to kiss the baby giraffe. And then something incredible happens. She lifts her long leg and kicks the baby giraffe, sending it flying up in the air and tumbling down on the ground.

As the baby lies curled up, the mother kicks the baby again and again Until the baby giraffe, still trembling and tired, pushes its limbs and for the first time learns to stand on its feet. Happy to see the baby standing on its own feet, the mother giraffe comes over and gives it yet another kick. The baby giraffe falls one more time, but now quickly recovers and stands up.

Mama Giraffe is delighted. She knows that her baby has learnt an important lesson:

Never mind how hard you fall, always remember to pick yourself up and get back on your feet.

Why does the mother giraffe do this? She knows that lions and leopards love giraffe meat. So unless the baby giraffe quickly learns to stand and run with the pack – it will have no chance of survival.

Most of us though are not quite as lucky as baby giraffes. No one teaches us to stand up every time we fall. When we fail, when we are down, we just give up. No one kicks us out of our comfort zone to remind us that to survive and succeed, we need to learn to get back on our feet.

If you study the lives of successful people though, you will see a recurring pattern. Were they always successful in all they did? No.

Did success come to them quick and easy? No, You will find that the common streak running through their lives is their ability to stand up every time they fall. The ability of the baby giraffe!

The road to success is never an easy one. There are several obstacles, and you are bound to fall sooner or later. You will hit a road block, you will taste failure. But success lies in being able to get up every time you fall. That is a critical life skill. And it is the habit of all successful people.

Courtesy : Chaitanya, my classmate from IIM-B

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
15th May 2011
Mumbai

Some Wonderful English from around the World

Courtesy : My IIMB Classmate, Anu

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS
ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN A** ?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Courtesy : My IIMB Classmate, Anu

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
15th January 2011
Mumbai

Paraprosdokian

I never heard this word before !

But really interesting !!

Courtesy : Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes
the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is
frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

� I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn�t work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

� Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
and beat you with experience.

� I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

� Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

� The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

� Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

� If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

� We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

� War does not determine who is right — only who is left.

� Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.

� The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

� Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening,’ and then
proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

� To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many
is research.

� A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. My desk is a work station.

� How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?

� Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything,
but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

� Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they
can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
fish.

� I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

� A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that
you don’t need it.

� Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an
emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”

� I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

� I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… So I
said “Implants?”

� Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

� Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

� Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America ?

� Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

� A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

� You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.

� The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

� Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

� A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a
way that you will look forward to the trip.

� Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even
if you wish they were.

� Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

� I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be
devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my
foot.

� Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

� There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can’t get away.

� I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

� I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of
lemon… and a shot of tequila.

� When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.

� You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

� To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.

� Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

� A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it
as when you are in it.

� If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some
people have more than one child?

� Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Enjoyed the Paraprosdokians above ?

Courtesy : Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
17th October 2010
Mumbai

IIM Bangalore ranked among 27 best B-Schools in the world, # 1 in India

Eduniversal Evaluation System: Business Schools 2008

The 2008 Rankings : IIM Bangalore ranked among 27 best B-Schools in the world, # 1 in India

Please see “The Eduniversal 2008 Rankings for India”

Eduniversal selection endorses IIMB’s international reputation and influence defined as the capacity of a business school to make a student valuable – and thus to improve their employability – in domestic and international spheres

Indian Institute of Management Bangalore (IIMB) has been recognized as the #1 Business School in India, and among the list of 27 global Business Schools identified by Eduniversal, a unit of the French consulting firm SMBG.

The Award, presented at the Eduniversal World Convention at La Sorbonne, Paris, on November 4, 2008, recognizes the 3 best institutions within each of the 9 Eduniversal geographical zones: Africa, Middle East, Eastern Europe, Western Europe, Latin America, Northern America, Central Asia, Far Eastern Asia and Oceania.

Notably, the Deans of the 1000 Best Business Schools from 153 countries have elected IIMB among the Best Business Schools in the Central Asia zone, with a recommendation rate of 398 per thousand, followed by IIM-A (379) and IIM-C (321), classified under “internationally known”.

“We are delighted to receive this recognition as India’s top business school. Eduniversal has developed a unique evaluation methodology; the acknowledgement from an independent international firm is significant for us,” says Professor Pankaj Chandra, Director, IIMB. “We have made several new initiatives, while continuing to strengthen our existing programmes, so that IIMB remains the preferred business school for students with global aspirations. “

The process of the Official Selection involved a global mapping system meeting the criteria of universality and the international reputation of each academic institution. The aim of the Official Selection was not necessarily to include the 1,000 best schools, but the most important 1,000 schools based on a method of quotas, offering business schools the opportunity to measure their performance, evolution and durability both in their zone of influence and internationally.

First of all, the selection was made by the Eduniversal International Scientific Committee constituted by:
• 9 experts, each recognized both in their academic zone of influence and internationally
• 1 representative of the Academic Council of the United Nations System (ACUNS)
• 2 executive members of the consulting firm SMBG

All countries in the world were concerned by this selection: the number of schools per country was weighted by quantitative and qualitative criteria. The first step led to a selection of 1000 Institutions taken out from more than 10 000 Business Schools in the World.

The second step was the classification by Palms, ranked from 1 to 5, awarded on two essential criteria:
- Evaluation of the International Dimension of the schools: their level of state recognition, their international accreditations (AACSB, EQUIS, AMBA…), their presence in most renowned rankings (Financial Times, Shanghai Jiao Tong, Wall Street Journal…), their memberships in international academic associations (EFMD, EMBA, CLADEA, AAPBS…)…
- The Deans’ vote: each Dean from the universities and schools on the list of 1000 had to vote to recommend the other academic institutions.

Eduniversal’ s ambition is to promote students’ mobility all over the world and give better visibility to the best Business Schools from more than 153 countries, and also to encourage all educational actors to share their experience and collaborate in a better way.

For more details, visit: “Eduniversal”

WHY AM I POSTING THIS ? IIM-B happens to be my alma mater – I passed out of the 2-year PGDM (MBA) Program in 1987. I recall it was refreshing and enjoyable to study at IIM-B. It was also rich with many interesting experiences for me – more on that later !

Have a wonderful week ahead,

Cheers

Vijay Srinivasan
23rd Nov 2008
Mumbai