Category: humour

One-Liners that you would love


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

I love a good one liner, and these jokes have puns a plenty. Some of them are so bad, they are hilarious – but they’re guaranteed to give you some laughs! Enjoy the new ones– quite OK – if you still smirk at the ole ones:

  1. I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
  2. A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
  3. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.
  4. I had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was just sole destroying.
  5. I was getting in to my car the other day and a man said ‘can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘sure, you look great, chase your dreams, go for it!’.
  6. I’ve decided to sell my vacuum. Well, it was just gathering dust!
  7. What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!.
  8. Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
  9. My wife and I have been happy for 20 years. But then we met.
  10. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man.
  11. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
  12. I was overcharged for velcro last week. What a rip off!
  13. I think I’m emotionally constipated. I just can’t seem to give a sh*t.
  14. I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  15. A train stops at a train station. A bus stops at a bus station. Now why is my desk called a ‘work station’?
  16. How do prisoners call each other? On their cell phones!
  17. The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common.
  18. Have you heard about the magic tractor? It turned into a field!
  19. To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing!
  20. I hate Russian Dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  21. I used to be a banker, but over time I lost interest.
  22. I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  23. I can’t understand why people are so bothered about me not knowing what the word ‘apocalypse’ means. It’s not like it’s the end of the world!
  24. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two-tired!
  25. Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side in an accident? He’s all right now.
  26. If I could only take one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t bother going.
  27. I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seat belt for ages. But then one day, it just clicked.
  28. My first job was at a calendar factory. I can’t believe they sacked me, all I did was take a day off!
  29. I was going to tell my pizza joke but I think it’s a bit too cheesy.

Did you enjoy these one-liners ?

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan

27th March 2016

 

Irish Luck


 Courtesy: A family friend

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. 

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
 
   
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman’s sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
 
  
 ‘I want to repay you,’ said the nobleman. ‘You saved my son’s life.’ 

‘No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,’ the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family hovel.
 

‘Is that your son?’ the nobleman asked.
 

‘Yes,’ the farmer replied proudly.
 
   
‘I’ll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.’ And that he did.
 

Farmer Fleming’s son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted
 

Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
 
 
Years afterward, the same nobleman’s son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. 
   
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill … His son’s name?
 

Sir Winston Churchill
 
 
Someone once said: 
What goes around comes around. 
 
Work like you don’t need the money.
 
 
Love like you’ve never been hurt. 
 
Dance like nobody’s watching.
 
 
Sing like nobody’s listening.
 
 
Live like it’s Heaven on Earth.
  

 
AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH: 
 
 I hope it works… 
 
May there always be work for your hands to do;
 
 
 
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
 
 
 
May the sun always shine on your window pane;
 
 
 
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
 
 
 
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
 
 
 
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
 
 
 
And may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you’re dead..
 
 
Courtesy: A family friend
Cheers,
Vijay Srinivasan
22nd March 2015

On Married Life – a very Funny Affair


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Marriage Can Be a Very Funny Affair……..

The institution of marriage has its ups and downs, all around and then, sometimes, some moves that you never thought possible.

It is a tricky dance that is a world of its own, and to survive, you have to have a good sense of humor.

Something like below –

Spouse: Someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you had stayed single.

All marriages are happy. It’s living together afterwards that is difficult.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

The bonds of matrimony are only a good investment when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health, and he’s already used to taking orders.

Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Judging from the specimens they pick for husbands, it’s no wonder that brides often blush.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
14th December 2014

Dunhill and the Church


Courtesy: Seetharaman, a close family friend

A church in London had rules that it would not employ anyone, without formal high school education. The old pastor was benign and not a stickler of rules.
He allowed Alfred Dunhill (who lacked formal education) as the caretaker to clean the pews, sweep the floor and keep the podium spick and span.

Dunhill had put off taking his high school examination till it became too late.
Once the old pastor retired, he was replaced by a younger person who followed the rule book. As he came to know about the caretaker’s education, he issued a notice to him that either he should get a high school certificate in six months or he should resign.

Dunhill knew that you could not teach an old dog new tricks and that he had no option but to resign. He started out his afternoon stroll in deep thought and got into Bond Street.

Suddenly, he felt an urge to smoke. He could not find a single tobacco shop on the entire street. He walked further down into a side street where he could purchase his cigarette.

He came back to the busy Bond Street. He realized that a small cigarette shop in the street would be a sound business proposition.

He resigned at the church and started a small shop on Bond Street which
prospered way beyond his expectations.

He noticed that many of his customers were coming from the other side of the street.

He started another shop on that side of Bond Street.

The two shops multiplied to four and then sixteen In three years,

Alfred Dunhill Co. was a leading tobacconist in England. He started machine-rolling cigarettes and introduced his own brand of Dunhill cigarettes. In five years, he was a millionaire many over.

To ensure a consistent supply of tobacco, he entered into an annual purchase agreement with a couple of American tobacco farmers and went across to America to meet them.

It was a big boost for the American tobacco farmers and the contract signing ceremony was converted into a media circus, with a Senator and Governor participating. When the contracts were actually signed, Dunhill affixed his thumb impression because he had not learnt to sign his name.

The Governor was impressed and said, “Well Sir! This is awesome. Even without a
formal education you have achieved so much. Just imagine what would you have done if you had a formal education!”

Dunhill’s characteristic often repeated reply was, “If I knew how to read and write, I would still be sweeping the church!”

Courtesy: Seetharaman, a close family friend

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
9th November 2014

Church Quirks


Courtesy: A friend

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.

On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for and by whom.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God directly.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large Cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and he asked a nun standing nearby what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God directly.

‘O.K., thank you’ said the American and then went on his way.

He then travelled to Russia, Germany, the U.K., Sri Lanka, Malaysia, etc., and visited many churches. In every church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$10,000 per call’ sign under it. The American then decided to travel to India to see if Indians has the same kind of phone in their churches.

He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ‘One Rupee call’.

The American was surprised so he asked the priest nearby about the sign. ‘Father. I’ve travelled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in other countries the price was $10,000 per call. How come it is so cheap out here in India ?’

Readers, it is your turn.. …………….Think……………before you scroll down…………….

……………………………
……………………………

……………………………
……………………………

The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in India now, Son – it’s a Local Call. This is the only Heaven on this Earth’.

KEEP SMILING !!!

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
17th August 2014

Famous Mistakes


Courtesy: A family friend

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And the worst mistake ever by a British politician: When offered the development and production licence to the first Saudi Arabian Oil well, the offer was turned down with the remark “Sorry, No, it’s not a viable proposition” –
Winston Churchill, the UK Foreign Minister, Damman, 1938
12 months later came WWII.

Courtesy: A family friend

Cheers

Vijay Srinivasan
06 July 2014

Greatest Scientists


Courtesy: Srinivas Rao, my IIM-B Classmate

The greatest scientists of all time were invited to a conference …

* Newton said he’d drop in.
* Descartes said he’d think about it.
* Ohm resisted the idea.
* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
* Darwin said he’d wait to see what evolved.
* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
* Volta was electrified at the prospect
* Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.
* Ampere was worried he wasn’t current.
* Audobon said he’d have to wing it.
* Edison thought it would be illuminating.
* Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.
* Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
* Dr Jekyll declined – he said he hadn’t been feeling himself lately.
* Morse said, “I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now, must dash.”
* Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.
* Hertz said he planned to attend with greater frequency in the future.
* Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.
* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Aryabhatta zeroed in………

Courtesy: Srinivas Rao, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
15th June 2014