Jewish Comedians


Courtesy: Ravi, a relative

JEWISH COMEDIANS

Some of You may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and many others?

You may have only heard of them. But some of us miss their kind of humour.

Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below and you don’t have to be Jewish to enjoy a good laugh.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable? ” The man says, “I make a good living.”

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”

* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
Patient: “I AM 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc,how do I stand? ” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”

* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears. “
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now

* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q : Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

* Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It’s called, “Debbie Does Dishes.”

* Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence

* A man called his mother in Florida . “Mom, how are you?” Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak” The son said, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days. “
The son said,”That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?” The mother answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”

* A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner – Take it or leave it.

* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, “What’s the matter already? Didn’t you like the blue one?”

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself,” she replied.

Q : What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Ha Ha Ha!

I am in Israel this week and thought it was appropriate to publish this post!!!

Have a good weekend,

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan

5th August 2018

Tel Aviv

One-Liners that you would love


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

I love a good one liner, and these jokes have puns a plenty. Some of them are so bad, they are hilarious – but they’re guaranteed to give you some laughs! Enjoy the new ones– quite OK – if you still smirk at the ole ones:

  1. I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
  2. A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
  3. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.
  4. I had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was just sole destroying.
  5. I was getting in to my car the other day and a man said ‘can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘sure, you look great, chase your dreams, go for it!’.
  6. I’ve decided to sell my vacuum. Well, it was just gathering dust!
  7. What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!.
  8. Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
  9. My wife and I have been happy for 20 years. But then we met.
  10. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man.
  11. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
  12. I was overcharged for velcro last week. What a rip off!
  13. I think I’m emotionally constipated. I just can’t seem to give a sh*t.
  14. I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  15. A train stops at a train station. A bus stops at a bus station. Now why is my desk called a ‘work station’?
  16. How do prisoners call each other? On their cell phones!
  17. The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common.
  18. Have you heard about the magic tractor? It turned into a field!
  19. To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing!
  20. I hate Russian Dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  21. I used to be a banker, but over time I lost interest.
  22. I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  23. I can’t understand why people are so bothered about me not knowing what the word ‘apocalypse’ means. It’s not like it’s the end of the world!
  24. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two-tired!
  25. Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side in an accident? He’s all right now.
  26. If I could only take one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t bother going.
  27. I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seat belt for ages. But then one day, it just clicked.
  28. My first job was at a calendar factory. I can’t believe they sacked me, all I did was take a day off!
  29. I was going to tell my pizza joke but I think it’s a bit too cheesy.

Did you enjoy these one-liners ?

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan

27th March 2016

 

Irish Luck


 Courtesy: A family friend

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. 

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
 
   
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman’s sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
 
  
 ‘I want to repay you,’ said the nobleman. ‘You saved my son’s life.’ 

‘No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,’ the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family hovel.
 

‘Is that your son?’ the nobleman asked.
 

‘Yes,’ the farmer replied proudly.
 
   
‘I’ll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.’ And that he did.
 

Farmer Fleming’s son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted
 

Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
 
 
Years afterward, the same nobleman’s son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. 
   
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill … His son’s name?
 

Sir Winston Churchill
 
 
Someone once said: 
What goes around comes around. 
 
Work like you don’t need the money.
 
 
Love like you’ve never been hurt. 
 
Dance like nobody’s watching.
 
 
Sing like nobody’s listening.
 
 
Live like it’s Heaven on Earth.
  

 
AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH: 
 
 I hope it works… 
 
May there always be work for your hands to do;
 
 
 
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
 
 
 
May the sun always shine on your window pane;
 
 
 
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
 
 
 
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
 
 
 
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
 
 
 
And may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you’re dead..
 
 
Courtesy: A family friend
Cheers,
Vijay Srinivasan
22nd March 2015

On Married Life – a very Funny Affair


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Marriage Can Be a Very Funny Affair……..

The institution of marriage has its ups and downs, all around and then, sometimes, some moves that you never thought possible.

It is a tricky dance that is a world of its own, and to survive, you have to have a good sense of humor.

Something like below –

Spouse: Someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you had stayed single.

All marriages are happy. It’s living together afterwards that is difficult.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

The bonds of matrimony are only a good investment when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health, and he’s already used to taking orders.

Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Judging from the specimens they pick for husbands, it’s no wonder that brides often blush.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
14th December 2014

Dunhill and the Church


Courtesy: Seetharaman, a close family friend

A church in London had rules that it would not employ anyone, without formal high school education. The old pastor was benign and not a stickler of rules.
He allowed Alfred Dunhill (who lacked formal education) as the caretaker to clean the pews, sweep the floor and keep the podium spick and span.

Dunhill had put off taking his high school examination till it became too late.
Once the old pastor retired, he was replaced by a younger person who followed the rule book. As he came to know about the caretaker’s education, he issued a notice to him that either he should get a high school certificate in six months or he should resign.

Dunhill knew that you could not teach an old dog new tricks and that he had no option but to resign. He started out his afternoon stroll in deep thought and got into Bond Street.

Suddenly, he felt an urge to smoke. He could not find a single tobacco shop on the entire street. He walked further down into a side street where he could purchase his cigarette.

He came back to the busy Bond Street. He realized that a small cigarette shop in the street would be a sound business proposition.

He resigned at the church and started a small shop on Bond Street which
prospered way beyond his expectations.

He noticed that many of his customers were coming from the other side of the street.

He started another shop on that side of Bond Street.

The two shops multiplied to four and then sixteen In three years,

Alfred Dunhill Co. was a leading tobacconist in England. He started machine-rolling cigarettes and introduced his own brand of Dunhill cigarettes. In five years, he was a millionaire many over.

To ensure a consistent supply of tobacco, he entered into an annual purchase agreement with a couple of American tobacco farmers and went across to America to meet them.

It was a big boost for the American tobacco farmers and the contract signing ceremony was converted into a media circus, with a Senator and Governor participating. When the contracts were actually signed, Dunhill affixed his thumb impression because he had not learnt to sign his name.

The Governor was impressed and said, “Well Sir! This is awesome. Even without a
formal education you have achieved so much. Just imagine what would you have done if you had a formal education!”

Dunhill’s characteristic often repeated reply was, “If I knew how to read and write, I would still be sweeping the church!”

Courtesy: Seetharaman, a close family friend

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
9th November 2014

Church Quirks


Courtesy: A friend

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.

On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for and by whom.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God directly.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large Cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and he asked a nun standing nearby what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God directly.

‘O.K., thank you’ said the American and then went on his way.

He then travelled to Russia, Germany, the U.K., Sri Lanka, Malaysia, etc., and visited many churches. In every church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$10,000 per call’ sign under it. The American then decided to travel to India to see if Indians has the same kind of phone in their churches.

He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ‘One Rupee call’.

The American was surprised so he asked the priest nearby about the sign. ‘Father. I’ve travelled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in other countries the price was $10,000 per call. How come it is so cheap out here in India ?’

Readers, it is your turn.. …………….Think……………before you scroll down…………….

……………………………
……………………………

……………………………
……………………………

The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in India now, Son – it’s a Local Call. This is the only Heaven on this Earth’.

KEEP SMILING !!!

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
17th August 2014

Famous Mistakes


Courtesy: A family friend

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And the worst mistake ever by a British politician: When offered the development and production licence to the first Saudi Arabian Oil well, the offer was turned down with the remark “Sorry, No, it’s not a viable proposition” –
Winston Churchill, the UK Foreign Minister, Damman, 1938
12 months later came WWII.

Courtesy: A family friend

Cheers

Vijay Srinivasan
06 July 2014

Greatest Scientists


Courtesy: Srinivas Rao, my IIM-B Classmate

The greatest scientists of all time were invited to a conference …

* Newton said he’d drop in.
* Descartes said he’d think about it.
* Ohm resisted the idea.
* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
* Darwin said he’d wait to see what evolved.
* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
* Volta was electrified at the prospect
* Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.
* Ampere was worried he wasn’t current.
* Audobon said he’d have to wing it.
* Edison thought it would be illuminating.
* Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.
* Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
* Dr Jekyll declined – he said he hadn’t been feeling himself lately.
* Morse said, “I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now, must dash.”
* Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.
* Hertz said he planned to attend with greater frequency in the future.
* Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.
* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Aryabhatta zeroed in………

Courtesy: Srinivas Rao, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
15th June 2014

Knowledge is Power


Courtesy: Ravi, my relative

During a recent robbery in Hong Kong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: “Don’t move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you.”

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called “Mind Changing Concept” – Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): “Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”

The older robber rebutted and said: “You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!”

This is called “Experience” – Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called “Swim with the tide” – Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”

This is called “Killing Boredom” – Personal Happiness is more important than your job”.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.

The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”

This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called “Seizing the opportunity” – Daring to take risks!

Courtesy: Ravi, my relative

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
18th May 2014

What the Hell………


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

>> A man dies and goes to hell.
>> There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

>> He goes to the German hell and asks, “What do they do there?”
>> He was told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
>> Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
>> Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.”

>> The man doesn’t like it, so he moves on and checks out the American hell, the Russian hell and hells of other countries.

>> He finds that they’re all more or less the same as the German hell.

>> Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long queue of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?” He told,

>> “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
>> Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
>> Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.”

>> “But that is exactly the same as all the other hells; so why are so many people waiting to get in here?” wonders the man. He is told,

>> “Because the maintenance here is so bad that the electric chair does not work, Someone has stolen all the nails from the bed and the Indian devil is a former government servant, So he just comes, signs the attendance register and then goes to the canteen….!

Ha Ha Ha

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
17th May 2014