Category: IIM-B

One-Liners that you would love


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

I love a good one liner, and these jokes have puns a plenty. Some of them are so bad, they are hilarious – but they’re guaranteed to give you some laughs! Enjoy the new ones– quite OK – if you still smirk at the ole ones:

  1. I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
  2. A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
  3. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.
  4. I had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was just sole destroying.
  5. I was getting in to my car the other day and a man said ‘can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘sure, you look great, chase your dreams, go for it!’.
  6. I’ve decided to sell my vacuum. Well, it was just gathering dust!
  7. What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!.
  8. Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
  9. My wife and I have been happy for 20 years. But then we met.
  10. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man.
  11. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
  12. I was overcharged for velcro last week. What a rip off!
  13. I think I’m emotionally constipated. I just can’t seem to give a sh*t.
  14. I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  15. A train stops at a train station. A bus stops at a bus station. Now why is my desk called a ‘work station’?
  16. How do prisoners call each other? On their cell phones!
  17. The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common.
  18. Have you heard about the magic tractor? It turned into a field!
  19. To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing!
  20. I hate Russian Dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  21. I used to be a banker, but over time I lost interest.
  22. I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  23. I can’t understand why people are so bothered about me not knowing what the word ‘apocalypse’ means. It’s not like it’s the end of the world!
  24. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two-tired!
  25. Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side in an accident? He’s all right now.
  26. If I could only take one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t bother going.
  27. I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seat belt for ages. But then one day, it just clicked.
  28. My first job was at a calendar factory. I can’t believe they sacked me, all I did was take a day off!
  29. I was going to tell my pizza joke but I think it’s a bit too cheesy.

Did you enjoy these one-liners ?

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan

27th March 2016

 

Origin matters…………


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

> Words and phrases every day!

> But do you know how they came into being?
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> A SHOT OF WHISKEY
In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for a drink. This became known as a “shot” of whiskey.
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> BUYING THE FARM
This is synonymous with dying. During WW1 soldiers were given life insurance policies worth $5,000. This was about the price of an average farm so if you died you “bought the farm” for your survivors.
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> IRON CLAD CONTRACT
This came about from the ironclad ships of the Civil War. It meant something so strong it could not be broken.
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> PASSING THE BUCK/THE BUCK STOPS HERE
Most men in the early U.S. West carried a jack knife made by the Buck knife company. When playing poker it as common to place one of these Buck knives in front of the dealer so that everyone knew who he was. When it was time for a new dealer the deck of cards and the knife were given to the new dealer. If this person didn’t want to deal he would “pass the buck”  to the next player. If that player accepted then “the buck stopped there”.
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> RIFF RAFF
The Mississippi River was the main way of travelling from north to south. Riverboats carried passengers and freight but they were expensive so most people used rafts. Everything had the right of way over rafts which were considered cheap. The steering oar on the rafts was called a “riff” and this transposed into riff-raff, meaning low class.
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> COBWEB
The Old English word for “spider” was “cob”.
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> SHIP STATE ROOMS
Travelling by steamboat was considered the height of comfort. Passenger cabins on the boats were not numbered. Instead they were named after states. To this day cabins on ships are called staterooms.
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> SHOWBOAT
These were floating theatres built on a barge that was pushed by a steamboat. These played small town along the Mississippi River. Unlike the boat shown in the movie “Showboat” these did not have an engine. They were gaudy and attention grabbing which is why we say someone who is being the life of the party is “showboating”.
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> OVER A BARREL
In the days before CPR a downing victim would be placed face down over a barrel and the barrel would be rolled back and forth in a effort to empty the lungs of water. It was rarely effective. If you are over a barrel you are in deep trouble.
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> BARGE IN
Heavy freight was moved along the Mississippi in large barges pushed by steamboats. These were hard to control and would sometimes swing into piers or other boats. People would say they “barged in”.
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> BARRELS OF OIL
When the first oil wells were drilled they had made no provision for storing the liquid so they used water barrels. That is why, to this day, we speak of barrels of oil rather than gallons.

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan

7th March 2015

On Married Life – a very Funny Affair


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Marriage Can Be a Very Funny Affair……..

The institution of marriage has its ups and downs, all around and then, sometimes, some moves that you never thought possible.

It is a tricky dance that is a world of its own, and to survive, you have to have a good sense of humor.

Something like below –

Spouse: Someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you had stayed single.

All marriages are happy. It’s living together afterwards that is difficult.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

The bonds of matrimony are only a good investment when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health, and he’s already used to taking orders.

Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Judging from the specimens they pick for husbands, it’s no wonder that brides often blush.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
14th December 2014

Point of View


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Answers given by 2nd year school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1.She’s the only one who knows where the selotape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?
1. We’re related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s mum like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.

2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he smoke a lot ?

3. Does he make at least 1 million a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mum didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such an idiot.

2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between mums and dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but mums have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.

2. I’d make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING — SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AND AUNTS….and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
7th September 2014

Greatest Scientists


Courtesy: Srinivas Rao, my IIM-B Classmate

The greatest scientists of all time were invited to a conference …

* Newton said he’d drop in.
* Descartes said he’d think about it.
* Ohm resisted the idea.
* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
* Darwin said he’d wait to see what evolved.
* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
* Volta was electrified at the prospect
* Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.
* Ampere was worried he wasn’t current.
* Audobon said he’d have to wing it.
* Edison thought it would be illuminating.
* Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.
* Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
* Dr Jekyll declined – he said he hadn’t been feeling himself lately.
* Morse said, “I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now, must dash.”
* Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.
* Hertz said he planned to attend with greater frequency in the future.
* Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.
* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Aryabhatta zeroed in………

Courtesy: Srinivas Rao, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
15th June 2014

In Praise of Wine


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Some interesting sidelights on Wine, which has come to dominate our weekend evenings and causes me to write about various wines in my Blog. While not having the same longish effect as the more alcoholic drinks, wine can indeed bring out some interesting thoughts after the second glass of a high-quality vintage.

Let us see some pics from my classmate now !

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Great thoughts, aren’t they ?

Enjoy wine responsibly.

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
14th June 2014

What the Hell………


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

>> A man dies and goes to hell.
>> There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

>> He goes to the German hell and asks, “What do they do there?”
>> He was told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
>> Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
>> Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.”

>> The man doesn’t like it, so he moves on and checks out the American hell, the Russian hell and hells of other countries.

>> He finds that they’re all more or less the same as the German hell.

>> Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long queue of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?” He told,

>> “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
>> Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
>> Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.”

>> “But that is exactly the same as all the other hells; so why are so many people waiting to get in here?” wonders the man. He is told,

>> “Because the maintenance here is so bad that the electric chair does not work, Someone has stolen all the nails from the bed and the Indian devil is a former government servant, So he just comes, signs the attendance register and then goes to the canteen….!

Ha Ha Ha

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
17th May 2014