Tagged: Humour ; IIM-B

One-Liners that you would love


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

I love a good one liner, and these jokes have puns a plenty. Some of them are so bad, they are hilarious – but they’re guaranteed to give you some laughs! Enjoy the new ones– quite OK – if you still smirk at the ole ones:

  1. I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
  2. A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
  3. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.
  4. I had to quit my job at the shoe recycling factory. It was just sole destroying.
  5. I was getting in to my car the other day and a man said ‘can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘sure, you look great, chase your dreams, go for it!’.
  6. I’ve decided to sell my vacuum. Well, it was just gathering dust!
  7. What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!.
  8. Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
  9. My wife and I have been happy for 20 years. But then we met.
  10. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man.
  11. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!
  12. I was overcharged for velcro last week. What a rip off!
  13. I think I’m emotionally constipated. I just can’t seem to give a sh*t.
  14. I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  15. A train stops at a train station. A bus stops at a bus station. Now why is my desk called a ‘work station’?
  16. How do prisoners call each other? On their cell phones!
  17. The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common.
  18. Have you heard about the magic tractor? It turned into a field!
  19. To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing!
  20. I hate Russian Dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  21. I used to be a banker, but over time I lost interest.
  22. I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  23. I can’t understand why people are so bothered about me not knowing what the word ‘apocalypse’ means. It’s not like it’s the end of the world!
  24. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two-tired!
  25. Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side in an accident? He’s all right now.
  26. If I could only take one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t bother going.
  27. I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seat belt for ages. But then one day, it just clicked.
  28. My first job was at a calendar factory. I can’t believe they sacked me, all I did was take a day off!
  29. I was going to tell my pizza joke but I think it’s a bit too cheesy.

Did you enjoy these one-liners ?

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan

27th March 2016

 

On Married Life – a very Funny Affair


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Marriage Can Be a Very Funny Affair……..

The institution of marriage has its ups and downs, all around and then, sometimes, some moves that you never thought possible.

It is a tricky dance that is a world of its own, and to survive, you have to have a good sense of humor.

Something like below –

Spouse: Someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you had stayed single.

All marriages are happy. It’s living together afterwards that is difficult.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

The bonds of matrimony are only a good investment when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health, and he’s already used to taking orders.

Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Judging from the specimens they pick for husbands, it’s no wonder that brides often blush.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
14th December 2014

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!!


Courtesy: Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,

‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’

‘Why?’ asked the pilot.

‘Because I’m a photographer for CNN’, he responded, ‘and I need to get some close up shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me,

is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?’

“Life is short.
Drink the good wine first.”

Courtesy: Anu, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers

Vijay Srinivasan
27th Sep 2013

Why Retirement ?


Courtesy: Pramod, my IIM-B Classmate

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in the recliner.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Very true

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Sometime 15%

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

So true

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite….

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING….. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’ ’98,’ she replied…
‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented…
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?’ the reporter asked…
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

Courtesy: Pramod, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
27th July 2013

On Married Life


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

If u r married please ignore this msg, for everyone else: Happy Independence Day

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Q: Why dogs don’t marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got
married and now he is going thru hell.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest
of your life!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——

Q: Why doesn’t law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——
Here comes the Ultimate One

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called ‘Man, The Master of Women’?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
01 June 2013

The latest Darwin Awards


Courtesy: Prahlad, my IIM-B Classmate

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his .38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef’s claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The frustrated gunman walked away.

*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family….unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Remember….
They walk among us…they can reproduce…and,
They VOTE!

Courtesy: Prahlad, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
25th January 2013
Mumbai

Wonderful Definitions


Courtesy: Srinivas, my IIM-B Classmate

CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It’s an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a woman gains her master’s

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before

CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read

SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life

YAWN:
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth

EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their Mistakes

DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip

OPTIMIST:
A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway “SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!”

MISER:
A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker provided by nature

BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your Hand before elections and your Confidence later

DOCTOR:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and brings you alive by his skills !

Courtesy: Srinivas, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
13th October 2012
Mumbai