Tagged: Joke Stuff

Church Quirks


Courtesy: A friend

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.

On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for and by whom.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God directly.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large Cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and he asked a nun standing nearby what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God directly.

‘O.K., thank you’ said the American and then went on his way.

He then travelled to Russia, Germany, the U.K., Sri Lanka, Malaysia, etc., and visited many churches. In every church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$10,000 per call’ sign under it. The American then decided to travel to India to see if Indians has the same kind of phone in their churches.

He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ‘One Rupee call’.

The American was surprised so he asked the priest nearby about the sign. ‘Father. I’ve travelled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in other countries the price was $10,000 per call. How come it is so cheap out here in India ?’

Readers, it is your turn.. …………….Think……………before you scroll down…………….

……………………………
……………………………

……………………………
……………………………

The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in India now, Son – it’s a Local Call. This is the only Heaven on this Earth’.

KEEP SMILING !!!

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
17th August 2014

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Knowledge is Power


Courtesy: Ravi, my relative

During a recent robbery in Hong Kong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: “Don’t move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you.”

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called “Mind Changing Concept” – Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): “Big brother, let’s count how much we got.”

The older robber rebutted and said: “You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!”

This is called “Experience” – Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: “Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called “Swim with the tide” – Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: “It will be good if there is a robbery every month.”

This is called “Killing Boredom” – Personal Happiness is more important than your job”.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.

The robbers were very angry and complained: “We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!”

This is called “Knowledge is worth as much as gold!”

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called “Seizing the opportunity” – Daring to take risks!

Courtesy: Ravi, my relative

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
18th May 2014

What the Hell………


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

>> A man dies and goes to hell.
>> There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

>> He goes to the German hell and asks, “What do they do there?”
>> He was told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
>> Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
>> Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.”

>> The man doesn’t like it, so he moves on and checks out the American hell, the Russian hell and hells of other countries.

>> He finds that they’re all more or less the same as the German hell.

>> Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long queue of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?” He told,

>> “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
>> Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
>> Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.”

>> “But that is exactly the same as all the other hells; so why are so many people waiting to get in here?” wonders the man. He is told,

>> “Because the maintenance here is so bad that the electric chair does not work, Someone has stolen all the nails from the bed and the Indian devil is a former government servant, So he just comes, signs the attendance register and then goes to the canteen….!

Ha Ha Ha

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
17th May 2014

Some Old Lady / Blond Questions……


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Who said that old ladies/blondes don’t have poignant and deeply relevant questions to ask? Believe me, they’ve been around, and they know exactly which infuriating and hilarious questions to ask!

Some examples:
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
12th April 2014

Four Old Retired Guys


Courtesy: Srinivas, my IIM-B Classmate

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona.
They turn a corner and see a sign that says,

“Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?”

There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis – shaken, not stirred – and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 cents, please.” They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”

“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix ,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer – it’s all the same.”

“Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re retired people from India ……………”

They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.”

Courtesy: Srinivas, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
12th April 2014

On Married Life


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Prize winning message of the year-
A husband went to the police station for filing report for his missing wife:

Husband :
-I lost my wife (misty), she went for shopping & still not reached home yet.

Inspector :
-What is her height ?

Husband:
-I never noticed.

Inspector :
-Slim or healthy ?.

Husband:
-Not slim can be healthy.

Inspector :
-Colour of eyes ?

Husband :
-Never noticed.

Inspector :
-Colour of hair ?

Husband :
-Changes according to season.

Inspector :
-What was she wearing ?

Husband :
-Saree/suit/ I don’t remember exactly.

Inspector :
-Was she going in a car ???

Husband :
-yes.

Inspector :
-tell me the number, name & color of the car ?………….

Husband :
– black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission
with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch
on the front left door.
…….and

then the husband started crying………

Inspector:
-Don’t worry sir,………We will find your car… 

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
6th April 2014

These Species are Blond Men


Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Hey, men are blond too!

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do … it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”
———————

A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
“I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”
The blond man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
———————

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.”
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
———————

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
———————

A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.
“The rope should be around your neck” says the guard.
“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”
———————

(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the blond man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
———————

A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
The blond man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
———————

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

Courtesy: Shyam, my IIM-B Classmate

Cheers,

Vijay Srinivasan
23rd March 2014